Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Do you think glass coffins will be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Remains to be seen.
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
A Pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that, whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.'
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.'
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Floorist
The Almighty
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He stumbled several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE.”
He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?” “NO YOU IDIOT” the voice said, “I'M THE RINK MANAGER!"
He stumbled several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.”
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE.”
He looked up into the sky and asked, “God, is that you?” “NO YOU IDIOT” the voice said, “I'M THE RINK MANAGER!"
Floorist
The Almighty
The Mexican maid asked the house-wife for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair?"
LOL!!
That’s was a great one!!!! LOL
Floorist
The Almighty
A teacher is trying to teach good manners to her third-grade students.
She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
That’s when the teacher fainted…
She turned to her class and said, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “Well, that would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you behave for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
That’s when the teacher fainted…
LOL!!!!
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
What happened to you asks Sean, the bartender.
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight, says Paddy.
That little sod, O'Conner, says Sean, he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.
That he did, says Paddy, a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.
Well, says Sean, you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?
That I did, said Paddy, Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
What happened to you asks Sean, the bartender.
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight, says Paddy.
That little sod, O'Conner, says Sean, he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.
That he did, says Paddy, a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.
Well, says Sean, you should have defended yourself.
Didn't you have something in your hand?
That I did, said Paddy, Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.
LOL!!!!!
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
but then I changed my mind.
I thought I was wrong once, but turns out I was wrong.
Floorist
The Almighty
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Top Ten Country and Western Song Titles
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body - But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman - But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improving
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5 I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend - And I Sure Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring - and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Looking Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Butt All Day
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body - But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman - But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improving
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5 I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend - And I Sure Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring - and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Looking Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night, That Chewed My Butt All Day
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