Joke time....

[Floorist]

Last Friday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course, I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE

DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR

THAT DID YOURS.

The room erupted in applause.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS. WE WIN EVERY TIME.

 

[Barrie]

LOL!

 

[Floorist]

We must stay alert for these indicators:

This is what all of us 70+ year-olds have to look forward to! This is something that happened at an assisted living center.

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat in a central dining room. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and he just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine and that he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.

 

[oldognewtrick]

Things to ponder
1- Since only 10 million people have Obama Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will 14 million people be randomly shot?

2- If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleach and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent?

3- If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

4- If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?

5- Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

6- After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials have arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf attack has
nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims are completely un-associated with Islam.

7- We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all.. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them.
They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

8- If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?

9- If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?

10- How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

11- Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

12- If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.

13- If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

14- The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election?

15- Why is it that Liberals and the Media are upset about the words Trump used 11 years ago but they are alright with Adult men using the Ladies Room with your Wives and Daughters.

 

[Barrie]

All very valid and excellent points Tom.

 

[Floorist]

Creative tax preparation


A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "what's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "let's try to rephrase that."
"The woman says, "ok, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[Floorist]

Think I would rather live.

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

gatoraid

 

[Floorist]

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, “Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
__________________

 

[oldognewtrick]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans was not the correct answer there either.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick *******.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

 

['Cause]

Now those are funny !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[oldognewtrick]

Now, that's an ass.....

 

[Floorist]

A man, his wife and MIL are on vacation in the holy city when his MIL suddenly dies. The local mortician says that it would only cost $150 to bury her there but $10,000 to send her back. The man says, send her back. The mortician says, you must have been very fond of her. The man says, no, there was a man buried here who came back to life on the 4th day.

 

[Chris]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

Soon after inventing the telephone system, Alexander G. Bell was asked to install a system in the local Indian Chief's teepee, and their outhouse.

Thus becoming the first one to wire a head for a reservation

 

[Chris]

Soon after inventing the telephone system, Alexander G. Bell was asked to install a system in the local Indian Chief's teepee, and their outhouse.

Thus becoming the first one to wire a head for a reservation

Knee slapper

 

[Floorist]

 

[Barrie]

View attachment 1694

LOL! That definitely is worthy of a historical marker.