Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”
“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”
“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
The"M" Word....by comedian Jeff Foxworthy
Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians,the
Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc., but its insensitive to make jokes
about the Muslims?
Well, it's time to level the playing field and be politically incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims, on this grandiose list
So, Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list ...
1.
If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2.
If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3.
If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4.
If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5.
If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.
6.
If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7.
If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8.
If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9.
If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.
10.
If you find this offensive and do not forward it, you are part of the problem here in America …but if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.
HISTORICAL FACT
Who says building a border wall won't work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
Have you ever wondered why it's OK to make jokes about Catholics, Jews, Christians, the Pope, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish, the Hungarians,the
Chinese, the French (including French Canadians), the elderly, bad golfers, men/women, blacks/whites, etc., but its insensitive to make jokes
about the Muslims?
Well, it's time to level the playing field and be politically incorrect, by including our friends, the Muslims, on this grandiose list
So, Jeff Foxworthy did his part to include the Muslims on his list ...
1.
If you grow and refine heroin for a living, but morally object to the use of liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2.
If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3.
If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4.
If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon to be unclean, You may be a Muslim.
5.
If you think vests come in two styles, Bullet-proof and suicide, You may be a Muslim.
6.
If you can't think of anyone that you haven't declared jihad against, You may be a Muslim.
7.
If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing, You may be a Muslim.
8.
If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses, other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9.
If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four, then you, too, may be a Muslim.
10.
If you find this offensive and do not forward it, you are part of the problem here in America …but if you delete this, you are most likely a Muslim.
HISTORICAL FACT
Who says building a border wall won't work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A humorous example of rudeness and thoughtlessness in the new America
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
I wonder if he voided the warranty...
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
I went turkey hunting this morning...
'Cause
NOBODY
Hey, this could be GOOD Easter!
Good morning Ken.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Well, come on over and we'll stick him in a peanut oil hot tub and then have an Easter Egg hunt.
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
This is an awesome story from a proud grandfather, you'll probably cry at the end.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert and liberty and justice for all. Amen!
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, that's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray, asking God for ice cream, why, I never!
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, did I do it wrong, is God mad at me?
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.
Really my grand-son asked?
Cross my heart, the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!
Touches the heart doesn't it?
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert and liberty and justice for all. Amen!
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, that's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray, asking God for ice cream, why, I never!
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, did I do it wrong, is God mad at me?
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.
Really my grand-son asked?
Cross my heart, the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, here, this is for you.
Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch!
Touches the heart doesn't it?
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Heck.... we're all guilty of being a lil creative in our lives at one point or another...
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