Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
Floorist
The Almighty
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Children in the backseat can cause accidents.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
Floorist
The Almighty
Last night one of our Stone County residents posted a catalytic converter for sale on Marketplace. Apparently he must have been under the influence because in the background of his picture he posted, he left his large bag of meth and syringe on the coffee table. I was alerted to this by one of our finer citizens. I passed this on to one of our Detectives. Today we arrived at this gentleman’s house with a search warrant. You can imagine his surprise!! He still had 48 grams of meth and a pistol that he is forbidden to own! We have now provided him a new place to stay. Sorry folks, his catalytic converters are not for sale right now.
Take note, if you are selling items on social media, make sure your drugs are not in the background!
Sheriff Rader Stone County Sheriff's Office
Take note, if you are selling items on social media, make sure your drugs are not in the background!
Sheriff Rader Stone County Sheriff's Office
I like the idiots who take pics of stuff they are selling, but forget to look at the reflection of their naked body before posting the pictures.
https://www.dailystar.co.uk/pics/pictures/gallery/online-sale-exposures-you-check-18761297
https://www.dailystar.co.uk/pics/pictures/gallery/online-sale-exposures-you-check-18761297
oldognewtrick
In memory of
She says I keep pushing her buttons.
If that were true, I would have found “mute” by now.
If that were true, I would have found “mute” by now.
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa?'"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy cra*p!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting...".......
The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa?'"
The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy cra*p!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs all day. He had lunch and watched the clock all afternoon. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting...".......
Floorist
The Almighty
A girl came skipping home from school one day:
"Mommy, Mommy." She yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See,1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10."
"Very good." Said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde" The girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde." Said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.......
"Mommy, Mommy." She yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See, A, B, C, D, E, F, G."
"Very good." Said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde." Said her mommy
The next day the girl came skipping home from school......
Mommy, Mommy." She yelled. "We were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good." Said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24." Replied her Mommy! ..........
"Mommy, Mommy." She yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See,1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10."
"Very good." Said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde" The girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde." Said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.......
"Mommy, Mommy." She yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See, A, B, C, D, E, F, G."
"Very good." Said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde." Said her mommy
The next day the girl came skipping home from school......
Mommy, Mommy." She yelled. "We were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good." Said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24." Replied her Mommy! ..........
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
So, I was at the bar last night and the waitress screamed, “Anyone know CPR?”
I said, “Hell, I know the entire alphabet.”
Everyone laughed … well, except this one guy.
I said, “Hell, I know the entire alphabet.”
Everyone laughed … well, except this one guy.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
My daughter’s pediatrician asked her if I had any guns in the house.
She didn’t understand this was an invasion of privacy, so she told him yes.
Now he’s always asking me where to find ammo.
She didn’t understand this was an invasion of privacy, so she told him yes.
Now he’s always asking me where to find ammo.
Floorist
The Almighty
THE GOLF BURGLAR
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them"...........
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them"...........
Floorist
The Almighty
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