Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Snow White and Pinocchio were walking through the woods. Snow White shoves Pinocchio to the ground, jumps on his face and screams "LIE TO ME!!"
oldognewtrick
In memory of
At breakfast, the man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
She replied, "I'd take half, and then leave you."
"Great," he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."
She replied, "I'd take half, and then leave you."
"Great," he said. "I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch."
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3 Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter
. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. Have I posted this before...or did I get it from you?
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3 Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter
. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. Have I posted this before...or did I get it from you?
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized
that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise
doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise ? I don't think so !
that, at my age, I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives15 years, while a tortoise
doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise ? I don't think so !
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A man and his wife were driving through the country from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
What can I do for ya’ll asks the attendant.
Filler up with high test, replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. What kinda car is this he asks, I never seen one like it before.
Well responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, this, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.
What all’s it got in it asks the attendant.
Well says the driver, it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sunroof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack, and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.
Wow says the attendant, that’s really something!
How much do I owe you for the gasoline asks the driver.
That’ll be $30.17 says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
What are those little wooden things asks the attendant.
That’s what I put my balls on when I drive, says the driver.
Wow says the attendant, those Cadillac people think of everything
About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
What can I do for ya’ll asks the attendant.
Filler up with high test, replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. What kinda car is this he asks, I never seen one like it before.
Well responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, this, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.
What all’s it got in it asks the attendant.
Well says the driver, it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sunroof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack, and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.
Wow says the attendant, that’s really something!
How much do I owe you for the gasoline asks the driver.
That’ll be $30.17 says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
What are those little wooden things asks the attendant.
That’s what I put my balls on when I drive, says the driver.
Wow says the attendant, those Cadillac people think of everything
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
I was going through some old photos and found one I forgot all about. How true some things turn out in life...
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a
taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman
glared back at him and said,"What's wrong with you,
honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?
"The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing,
lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not
be proper.”
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not
staring at my ****s or my butt, sweetie, what are you
doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell...... M'am, I am
looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,
vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman
taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman
glared back at him and said,"What's wrong with you,
honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?
"The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing,
lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not
be proper.”
The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not
staring at my ****s or my butt, sweetie, what are you
doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell...... M'am, I am
looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,
vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
Now, that's a businessman
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