Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2020 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas ..
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix .."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2020 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
A radio station in Australia ran a phone in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listeners lives. The final four were:
4th Place:
While in line at the bank one afternoon my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amok. I was able to grab hold of her arm after receiving looks of disgust from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening. "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's willy last night."
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped doing what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the doors closed behind me were screams of laughter.
3rd Place:
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay down in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a pigggy back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss a call we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE.
My entire family - Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed an eternity. Since then no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place:
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout she learned that one of the items had no price tag or bar code.
The checkout girl got on the public address system which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear. "Price check for Tampax super size."
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'thumbtacks' and replied in a businesslike tone, his voice booming over the same public address system. "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind that you belt in with a hammer."
1st Place:
And the winner is......
This happened at a major Australian University during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked. "If I understand you correctly, you are saying that there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"
The professor responded yes adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again the girl asked. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word walked out of the class.
However as she was heading for the door the professors reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat."
4th Place:
While in line at the bank one afternoon my toddler decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amok. I was able to grab hold of her arm after receiving looks of disgust from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening. "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddy's willy last night."
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped doing what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing that I heard as the doors closed behind me were screams of laughter.
3rd Place:
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay down in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a pigggy back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss a call we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled SURPRISE.
My entire family - Parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed an eternity. Since then no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place:
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checkout she learned that one of the items had no price tag or bar code.
The checkout girl got on the public address system which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear. "Price check for Tampax super size."
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'thumbtacks' and replied in a businesslike tone, his voice booming over the same public address system. "Do you want the kind that you push in with your thumb or the kind that you belt in with a hammer."
1st Place:
And the winner is......
This happened at a major Australian University during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked. "If I understand you correctly, you are saying that there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"
The professor responded yes adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again the girl asked. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word walked out of the class.
However as she was heading for the door the professors reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat."
Floorist
The Almighty
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crew members. She asked the first what he did, and he explained
that he was the Navigator, and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to the 2nd one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer, and his job
was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the 3rd one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain, he was responsible for
everything in the aircraft, and to fly the plane and direct everyone in it.
She then turned to the 4th one and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?”
He replied "Ma'am, I am the First Officer, my job is the Captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that ?”
"Very simple ma'am. The Captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f****** advice, he'll ask me."
When she got up there, she found four crew members. She asked the first what he did, and he explained
that he was the Navigator, and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to the 2nd one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer, and his job
was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the 3rd one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain, he was responsible for
everything in the aircraft, and to fly the plane and direct everyone in it.
She then turned to the 4th one and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?”
He replied "Ma'am, I am the First Officer, my job is the Captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that ?”
"Very simple ma'am. The Captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f****** advice, he'll ask me."
Floorist
The Almighty
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Rusty, you've been quite busy and a naughty, naughty boy...
That's awesome!
Floorist
The Almighty
Wouldn't you like to do some of that stuff?
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